While finding questions about my life, sometimes I stop by and think the very basic question about myself. Who I am? Am I a critic? or just reasonable. I tend to argue that I am a reasonable rather than being a critic. Is that my fault? wherever I go, whatever I see I tend to discover the dark side of it. Whether it's city or a culture or a society. Is my personality has overwhelming darker shed? perhaps it's just the way I am.
I feel complete when I am alone, and feel lonely when I am in crowd. In the party I feel like sitting calm and on silence I like to enjoy. I feel more creative when I am depressed and I lost complete sense of that when I am happy. I have often tried to find somberness in happy moments. As young boy I used to fantasize failure and losing everything. However, with time those sad fantasies have gone but the question remains were they some physiological disorder or just a hidden side of mine some theories say unconscious mind.
As I am growing older I am almost asking more and more question almost about everything. It may be very common questions yet I didn't find the answer. During course of questions I find everything around me is futile! hello! I am not going spiritual where people talk about material and non-material thing. Perhaps this is completely different topic to discuss later.
I would still defend myself that I am not a critic I am just rational and that's where the problem begins. I tend to defend both sides of my argument and that's how it gets complicated at least for me. I don't know from where this stupid observation stigma has got inside me that keeps me bugging all the time. Almost all living and non-living things I do observe and try to figure out why it is like this and how? For some people it may be simple, however, when I ask the question about existence of anything it sounds like a rebellion. Hello! I am not a rebellion either.
One day I was hiking a small hill at Gatineau park near Ottawa, the hiking trail had some stairs like structure. One fellow hiker said someone has put lots of efforts to create a patch suddenly next fellow hiker said that someone is God! I could not resist I replied it was not good it was just nature. Alas! someone got a fire said so you are an atheist? I said no! then you must be a naturalist I said may be, however, I am not sure. Basically I am yet to identify what I believe and I don't.
My problem does not stop here, it take another turn when I can't see the clear demarcation of good vs bad. I just see the good is so bad as bad and Bad is as good as good. At the same time I am not saying that good is bad and bad is good! however, I am saying that good is half bad and bad is half good. To me there is nothing good bad or right wrong rather its all relative and they are inculcated to us from the very beginning say from our childhood. Especially in a closed cultured society such as contemporary India where we have too many do's and don't's. That's how the very first corruption starts at the mind. The moment your don't's out numbers your do's you become outcast from the society/family. This is also true about other western community too though less.
Though I have lots of problem, yet the society do has the similar problems. People talk about good but they like the taste of bad/wrong! The newspaper's revenue get exponential jump if anything bad happens around the world. Some school of thought say that people are concerned about their fellow brothers! oh! no it's not the fellow brother it's spicy taste of the bad! People like to see bad around them but not with them.
I feel complete when I am alone, and feel lonely when I am in crowd. In the party I feel like sitting calm and on silence I like to enjoy. I feel more creative when I am depressed and I lost complete sense of that when I am happy. I have often tried to find somberness in happy moments. As young boy I used to fantasize failure and losing everything. However, with time those sad fantasies have gone but the question remains were they some physiological disorder or just a hidden side of mine some theories say unconscious mind.
As I am growing older I am almost asking more and more question almost about everything. It may be very common questions yet I didn't find the answer. During course of questions I find everything around me is futile! hello! I am not going spiritual where people talk about material and non-material thing. Perhaps this is completely different topic to discuss later.
I would still defend myself that I am not a critic I am just rational and that's where the problem begins. I tend to defend both sides of my argument and that's how it gets complicated at least for me. I don't know from where this stupid observation stigma has got inside me that keeps me bugging all the time. Almost all living and non-living things I do observe and try to figure out why it is like this and how? For some people it may be simple, however, when I ask the question about existence of anything it sounds like a rebellion. Hello! I am not a rebellion either.
One day I was hiking a small hill at Gatineau park near Ottawa, the hiking trail had some stairs like structure. One fellow hiker said someone has put lots of efforts to create a patch suddenly next fellow hiker said that someone is God! I could not resist I replied it was not good it was just nature. Alas! someone got a fire said so you are an atheist? I said no! then you must be a naturalist I said may be, however, I am not sure. Basically I am yet to identify what I believe and I don't.
My problem does not stop here, it take another turn when I can't see the clear demarcation of good vs bad. I just see the good is so bad as bad and Bad is as good as good. At the same time I am not saying that good is bad and bad is good! however, I am saying that good is half bad and bad is half good. To me there is nothing good bad or right wrong rather its all relative and they are inculcated to us from the very beginning say from our childhood. Especially in a closed cultured society such as contemporary India where we have too many do's and don't's. That's how the very first corruption starts at the mind. The moment your don't's out numbers your do's you become outcast from the society/family. This is also true about other western community too though less.
Though I have lots of problem, yet the society do has the similar problems. People talk about good but they like the taste of bad/wrong! The newspaper's revenue get exponential jump if anything bad happens around the world. Some school of thought say that people are concerned about their fellow brothers! oh! no it's not the fellow brother it's spicy taste of the bad! People like to see bad around them but not with them.
